Walt Disney World's EPCOT, or Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow, was designed to be the theme park of the future.
In 1970.
Nowadays, it's Disney World's most forgettable park; it's the red-headed stepchild the Disney family. However, this park has one saving grace- the fact that it serves booze from all over the world.
While EPCOT manages to bore families from all corners of the globe with its long, crappy movies and upside-down tomatoes, America's twenty-somethings have discovered the pleasures of drinking copious amounts of alcohol from different parts of the world while stumbling through the happiest place on earth.
Within the last decade, the ritual of Drinking Around the World (DATW) has become an unofficial right of passage for young Floridians and young drinkers from neighboring states. However, 21 year-olds aren't the only demographic to take part in this phenomenon; pretty much anyone can enjoy libations in one of the eleven countries featured in Epcot's World Showcase.
With Spring Break just around the corner, Epcot's the perfect destination for people of all ages (well, drinking ages) to enjoy the magic of Disney and the magic of Alcohol at the same time! By following these 5 simple rules, you too can successfully stagger around Epcot looking for a Mouse to punch.
RULE #5: BE PREPARED
Ah, Florida. Unpredictable wang of the U.S. One day we're drowning in your torrential downpours, and the next the sun is shining so hard it cracks sidewalks and melts school busses. And what about when you chuck us a curve ball and it's freezing in February? Gotta love that.
Florida might be known as the Sunshine State, but don't let that fool you. If you plan on Drinking Around the World, come prepared for anything.
Like any trek powered by Chevro-legs, the most important item you'll pack is your favorite pair of drinking/walking/hiking shoes. If you don't own a pair of super-comfy shoes, get them. It's also advisable to get insoles and moisture-absorbent socks to keep your feet from falling of; you're going to be doing much more stumbling, staggering, and swaying than you imagine. Also, you never know when you're gonna have to run from Disney Police in order to avoid Mickey Jail, so strap your drinking shoes on tight before you get started.
Aladdin Shoulda Made A Wish: Not even a Genie will save you if you wear the wrong shoes.
Speaking of avoiding ugly situations, you may want to pack some talcum powder. I know what you're thinking, "Why would I need talcum powder?"
To avoid Swamp Ass, that's why.
When you're walking around in 90 degree heat and its so humid you can drink the air, what exactly do you think is going on in your shorts? In the same way that ancient earth sported the perfect conditions to spark life in some primordial ooze, your shorts are a hotbed of friction, heat, sweat, pressure, and other natural (and unnatural) processes. The only way to prevent a swamp from springing to life in your ass is to spread that smooth, cool, silky powder all over your junk. Not only will it keep you comfortable as you slog through your drinks, it'll prevent all sorts of rashes and fungus from overrunning your crotch. Trust me on this, Goldbond is a savior.
Other items to consider are: ponchos, sun glasses, hats, and water. Bring lots of water.
RULE #4: MAKE A SHIRT
Turn on ESPN and watch highlights from any sport. You'll notice that every team, no matter what sport it plays, wears a uniform. This unique combination of colors and designs helps us distinguish between teams and gives each team a unique look. No one confuses UM and FSU, do they? Didn't think so.
Mouse Trap: No, we didn't punch this mouse to make our shirts, but he did beat us to the punch.
The same goes for you and your people if you decide to DATW. This is, after all, an event. You'll be relying on your friends (teammates) to support and motivate you when it gets rough (and it will), so a show of solidarity is really important.
Team Drunk-N-Crunk: What started as a very promising drinking season quickly degenerated into debauchery, ultimately leading to victory.
Find yourself a design, logo, or something that represents your intentions, and slap it on a shirt. Then, print all of the countries on the back of said shirt so that you have a checklist. This way, you know where you drank. Keep a sharpie with you so that you can write on each other's shirts, and possibly each other's faces.
Keeping Track: Studies show that spelling becomes impaired after just one drink.
This shirt will serve as your uniform-souvenier, something that lets everyone at Epcot know you mean business as well as provide you with something to remind you of your alcoholic adventures. You'll be deleting 90% of the pictures you take because you never want to leave any evidence behind.
Incriminating Evidence: Although innocent, this looks wrong in so many ways. Shoulda been deleted.
Also, your memories (if you have any) will be spotty and blurred, so this shirt is all you have left to remind you of the greatest time you never had.
RULE #3: EAT, EAT, EAT
This rule is pretty straight forward.
This rule is pretty straight forward.
Three beers here, two glasses of wine there, and a flight of tequila somewhere- You'll soon be feeling the effects of this combination, even on a full stomach. How do you prevent yourself from taking a nap in a bathroom stall and waking up with pee on your face in Mickey Jail? Eat, and eat often.
Following the Rules: After finishing his meal, this old man did three backflips and fifty push-ups before getting back to the booze.
Because not drinking is obviously not an option, you need to balance out the contents of your digestive system with something other than liquid. It's science, trust me.
Besides slowing down your body's intake of alcohol, the food is another of Epcot's high points. At least it is when you're hammered. And since it's elementary Biology we're dealing with, understand that if you don't eat, you're gonna pass out. And possibly end up with pee-face.
A snack every few countries should suffice. Now go eat something.
RULE #2: CON$IDER YOUR CA$H
Alcoholism is an expensive habit. In this case, it's more of an expensive calling. It's one that withers your body and drains your funds. While there's nothing that can be done to stop DATW from liquifying your innards, there's lots that can to prevent cirrhosis of the wallet.
Make no mistake about it, drinking around the world is expensive, so consider putting yourself on a budget. If you're true to the cause, you'll be buying yourself at least eleven drinks. And while not all drinks will run you $10, that's not an unreasonable estimate. So for our purposes, that's $110 right there.
If you buy a ticket to the park, it'll run you $80, putting you at $190. I highly recommend volunteering some time to a Disney-supported cause (see previous blog post) to save yourself those $80. Give a Day, Get a Day is a great way to soften the blow to your fragile little wallet.
Another way to save your green is to pack a lunch and some snacks. While the food at Epcot isn't terribly overpriced, it's still something that'll eat away at your pocket while you eat away at your inebriation. As stated in rule #3, you're gonna want to eat, so take that into account. I'd say $30 per person is a conservative estimate, putting you at $220.
While that may seem like a lot of money to some people, in the greater scheme of things, it's not. Take a page from Jay-Z's book and keep telling yourself that "money aint a thing". Suck it up and drink, but bring enough money to do it right.
RULE #1: HAVE A PLAN OF ACTION
So you're all geared up. You've done your research, made a shirt, saved some coin, and you're ready to roll.
Where do you start? And what should you drink when you get there? This is undoubtedly the most important rule to follow when D.A.T.W. You can't just roll up to Epcot all willy-nilly and expect things to just happen. Dude, you're going in there to get sloshed, so it's best to have a plan of action to minimize the damage. Think about it, it's gonna be bad. But if you're prepared, it won't be that bad.
There's lots to consider when doing the drinking part of Drinking Around the World, so it's best to iron out some of the details. For this most crucial rule, we've mapped out a potential route to getting routed. Now you'll know what to expect.
Once you're in the park, the biggest decision any DATWer has to make what to drink and where to start drinking. You've got one of two choices: Canada or Mexico.
That's it. There you have'em. Follow these 5 simple rules and you too will be a safe, smelly, staggering mess in the happiest place on earth.
***BONUS WALK-THROUGH: WHAT TO EXPECT***
Now that you know the 5 rules to successfully drink around the world, we've complied a walk-through based on our experience for those of you that are to lazy to use your imaginations. Since most of you Spring Breakers were drunk while reading this, we've taken extra care to give you a step-by-step breakdown of how the whole thing works. Don't blame us if you don't follow the rules and end up detained or unconscious.
***DISCLAIMER: Don't try this at home, or anywhere else.***
MEXICO
Starting in Mexico is our recommendation. The reason? La Cava del Tequila. Care to guess what they have there? You guessed it- Tequila. Lots and lots of Tequila.
The Spread: I want them all! The options are endless.
In fact, they've got over seventy varieties of it. Let's face it, if you're gonna drink around the world, you'd better start strong. What better way to start the day than with with one of these:
Flight of Tequila: Breakfast, anyone? ($12-25 per flight)
If a flight of Tequila doesn't seem appetizing (wuss), then perhaps a Margarita will suffice. Whatever the case, Mexico is where you want to start. Be aware of the fact that world showcase (that's where the booze is at) doesn't open until 11am, and La Cava doesn't open until 12pm, so plan accordingly.
After knocking back some tequila-themed drinks and quelling the burn in your chest, your next stop is Norway.
NORWAY
Norway is a cool country, I'm sure. Having never been there, my experience with it is limited to two things: the Norway ride at Epcot and Carlsberg beer. Guess which one I like best?
Carlsberg, Norway: The only stop worth making in Norway.
One thing to consider when hopping from drink to drink across the faux-globe is the pace at which you down pint after pint and shot after shot of liquid courage. Our recommendation, do a bit of both.While there may not be a whole lot happening in some countries (Norway), its always nice to stare out at that fake lake and enjoy your drink.
Even if you start the drink-a-thon at midday, you'll have plenty of time to DATW and even cruise on back to your favorite country for a second helping of sauce. The fact that you'll be totally shitfaced and completely incapable of controlling your bowels, much less remember what drink you liked, is irrelevant. The point is you'll have plenty of time. So relax, enjoy the experience, and share some of your good fortune with a stranger.
Norwegian Ducks: After chugging a beer, this drunk duck did it with the ugliest chick he could find.
Some folks may jump on ride the Norway ride, but really that's just a buzz-kill. The idea here is to spend as much time drinking as possible, even if you're babysitting your drink. But don't be a slacker, either. Drink your drank and move on. Yeah, I said drank.
CHINA
From Norway, it's off to China, land of Plum wine and Tsing-Tao. Again, there isn't much to think about when deciding what to drink in China- grab that beer, knock it back, and keep going. But that doesn't mean you have to be disrespectful. Treat each beer like you'd treat any of your friends from other countries; observe cultural norms before you drink and run.
Bow to the Beer: When in China, Tsing-Tao is the Emperor, so pay your respects.
Tsing-Tao Slammer: This isn't for rookies. It's like a Sake Bomb, but with plum wine.
By now, your legs will be wobbly. You're feeling fancy and you probably wanna pee. If you don't, then you need to drink more. But don't break the seal just yet, that's what our next stop, Germany, is for. Trust me.
GERMANY
GERMANY
It's understandable that you're about to pop. As we all know, you don't buy beer, you rent it. And Germany has the best place in the park for returning that rented beer: The Biergarten. Besides having wall-to-wall urinals, the Biergarten's john boasts a band that was born to blast that beer outta your bladder.
Biergarten Bladder Blasters: Gunter and the Gang will serenade you while you drain your lizard.
All alliteration aside, its pretty cool (or funny) to listen to beer music as you're making room for more beer in your bladder. You're gonna need it.
Ze Germans: Spaten Oktoberfest, Spaten Optimator, and Becks
Germany's outdoor plaza is also perfect for hanging out and enjoying a drink while the members of your party take a whiz.
A Toast, An Ice-Grill, and ?: This is what to expect when you put drunk guys in front of a camera.
So let's recap. By now, you've consumed something resembling this:
The Fallen: Keep track of what you've kicked back. You should spell it right, too.
You're also drunk. There's only on thing to do when you're drunk in Epcot. You guessed it, keep drinking. What better place to continue mixing different types of alcohol than our next stop, Italy.
ITALY
If you've ever been to a wine tasting, then it's likely that you're familiar with the cardinal rule of tasting wine- Spit, don't swallow. While this rule is applicable to all manner of tastings, this rule is definitely meant to be broken. Definitely.
Especially in Italy.
While you could go with a beer like Perroni, or even order a single glass of wine, it's actually considered a DATW sin to pass on a flight of wine in Italy. So don't be a sinner, you drunken fool. Instead, enjoy one of these:
Everyone Swallows Here: This wine is meant to be gulped.
Now that there's wine in your guts, you'll start to notice that the concoction brewing in your stomach is getting angry. Don't worry, that's normal. The good news is that you've got six more countries to go. The problem is that, whether you like it or not, it's time to go home- to America, that is!
U.S.A.
Welcome home, weary drunkard. As on any geographically accurate map, the U.S. is nestled comfortably between Italy and Japan. And thus begins the American Adventure portion of the World's Showcase.
I'm not sure of the different varieties of beer available. In fact, if it weren't for these photos, I'd have very little recollection of some of the afternoon's finer points. I only remember the really important parts, like getting my hands on a Sam Adams.
Home Sweet Home: Nothin' like a Sam Adams in the middle of the day.
The U.S. is a good place to sit and let your feet rest for a bit. It's also a good place for shenanigans:
High-Five at The Pubic Dining Room: Boys will be dorks.
After doing two laps around the colonial-style mansion in search of a restroom, I knocked back a Noble Pils, grabbed my passport (a.k.a. wallet) and made my way to The Land of the Rising Sun. But before then, more illegalities:
The Sign: Guess what we did?
Cannibalism! That bird's eating turkey!
JAPAN
Japan is a mystical country, full of rich tradition, alien technology, and frustrating political correctness. It's also the land of hibachi and profuse bowing. At least in Epcot it is. While making your way through the fascinating version of Japan, it's likely that you are experiencing a new emotion, one that hits your stomach hard as you wince between beers- you are hungry. Now would be a great time to put some food in your belly to avoid keeling over in the bushes.
Japan, like all Epcot countries, has plenty of food to munch on. Although it's a bit pricey, you may wanna consider:
A Sit-Down Lunch: Unbeknownst to us, his hat was full of shrimp.
Once you've got yummies in your tummies, it's back to business. No slacking or lollygagging allowed. That being said, psych yourself up for this:
Sake Bombs: If Japan had dropped these on Pearl Harbor, history would be very different.
Be careful with these Sake Bombs- these are pretty big glasses of beer and sake. Make sure you put them directly into your mouth, not on your lap.
The Aftermath: Sake Bombs have a devastating effect on the thigh/crotchal region.
Now that you've had food (and fresh booze), you're ready to continue your journey.
MOROCCO
Morocco is a Middle-Easternish delight at Epcot. Once you arrive, you're definitely gonna want to eat something that's got lamb in it. It doesn't even matter that you've just eaten. At this point, what matters is staying vertical. One sure-fire way to avoid total horizontollogy is to keep stuffing your face. If you're gonna keep drinking (and you most certainly are), eating is crucial this late in the game.
Moroccan Mystery: No one knows why, but these elixirs will make you very hungry. (Casa beer and Sangria)
FRANCE
Les Vins des Chefs de France is the restaurant you'll encounter upon entering France. Normally, we'd be all about French cuisine, but today aint normal. We're here to drink, so to all of the French culinary mastery taking place in that restaurant, we say, "Le Whatever."
Honestly, you'll want to retreat from France the same way the French did in WWII. There's not much going on drinkwise, so grab yourself some beer or wine, and bid France adieu.
To England!
Still Retreating: You'll pee out the Kronenbourg and Greygoose slushies faster than you can drink'em.
UNITED KINGDOM
Winston Churchill once said, "From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." By the time you reach England, you'll be speaking a lot like the former Prime Minister, but you'll be making much less sense.
But fear not, weary traveler, for thy quest is almost over. But before it's all said and done, you'll have the pleasure of visiting the Rose and Crown Pub. Only Mexico does as good a job of capturing a drinking environment as the Rose and Crown. The place looks like it was pulled off of a corner in merry ol' London and dropped in Florida. And the people in here are just as committed to drinking as they are in England, only with better teeth. Well, mostly- this is Florida, after all.
Strangers: I'd like to say I don't know these people, but then I'd be lying. The truth is, Alcohol warps faces. *Note, these faces were not concealed because these people won't be recognizable based on this pic.
As one of Epcot's most popular drinking spots, the Rose and Crown draws all sorts of characters into its drunken, intricate, Victorian bowels. Consider the following:
Uncle Tom's Restroom: Yes, that's Tom Bergeron, of AFV fame, on his way to the crapper. Too cool.
If you're doing it right, you won't remember how many beers you've had at the Rose and Crown. I recommend starting with the beer sampler (no image, it was downed too quickly) and then working your way toward big ol' pints of sauce.
Hooligans: Boddingtons and Strongbow Cider.
The truth is, you'll never want to leave this place. Leaving the Rose and Crown after drinking all day is like leaving your bed on a cold winter morning. However, we're on a mission, and we've got more drinks to down and urinals to soil.
CANADA
Our neighbors to the north do many things well. Among them are hockey and beer. Below are the fruits of their labor.
Canadian Heroes, but no Gold Medals: LaBatte Blue, Molson, and Torontopolitan? Guess which one sucked?
FIN
And thus ends your journey.
You're bloated, you're head hurts, and you've probably puked twice. That means you've completed Florida's foremost alcohol-fueled rite of passage. Also, you've given Epcot the resources to continue making boring movies and planting air-crops. If you followed these 5 simple rules, you can proudly say that you successfully drank around the world. In Florida.
We do this at least once every 3 months...you guys are awesome...but one question....where'd you get your shirts??
ReplyDeleteWhere did you get the shirts?
ReplyDeleteyour shirts are amazing!!! any chance of your sharing the image so I can make one?!
ReplyDelete